Wednesday, August 11, 2010

I'll be open and honest...

When I started this blog a year and a half ago, it was mainly for family and friends that are not living near us, but wanted to keep up with our and Lallie's lives.

Then it morphed into something a little different, a more "me" type blog....a place for my happies.

I've never really been open about my life outside of the happies I post and the products and fashion I love.

Until today.

I will be open and honest.

I am a Christian, not a very good one, but who are we kidding, that's why we are sinners.  You know, Adam and Eve and all that jazz?
I try very hard to be a good Christian, mother, wife, employee, daughter, friend, in-law, junior leaguer, crafter etc. etc. etc.
Wow, that's a lot of shoes to fill.
And it is trying.  Yes I am medicated, on a mild anti-anxiety.  Hey, I'm a super-type A personality with muscles that never seem to relax, that's just me and the meds, do help mellow me out, a bit.

I am a control-freak, I have trouble letting things go and letting people do their own things, including Lallie.  For example, bed time has been a little stressful lately, now that Lallie is three.  I have difficulty with Lallie's constant struggle against me for quiet time.  Thankfully, Husband (a/k/a the calm one)  has graciously taken over this routine for me.  It's those little things, that turn into big things, that shouldn't be big things, that stress me out.

On another end, I constantly say, "I'm going to read the Bible today", but I never do.
It's like it's calling my name and I completely ignore it.
I can remember the verse about faith we talked about in church this weekend.
"Faith is being sure that what we hope for and cannot see, will actually happen."  Hebrews 11:1
I need to post this somewhere and have faith in myself first of all, that the little things are really not big things, faith in myself, that I can handle things and handle them with grace.  (Huh...funny I used the word Grace there, isn't it?) 
Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

Today, I took Lallie to the dentist office (we waited for 40 minutes).
While we were waiting, she named off all the sea creatures in a painting on the wall.
She counted all the fish.
She played games with the other kids.
She read a book to herself.

And then walked in a mother with a three year child who had special needs.
She is a gorgeous child.
She can't walk, she can't talk, she can't even hold onto a baby toy without her mother helping her hold it.
She was dressed beautifully in all yellow with a pretty yellow ribbon in her hair.
She could barely smile.  But you knew she was smiling at you because she had a glimmer in her eyes.
Her skin was perfect, not a single blemish.
Her little toes were painted pink.
She couldn't keep her legs straight, and her legs and arms are malformed.
Her mother loves her very much and just took all the things that completely baffle me (like not being able to hold an infant ring)...with stride.

This made me think.

I really do NOT need to sweat the small stuff.
I need to count my PLETHORA of blessings.
God....needs to be anti-anxiety medication.

I am reading the book, Eat, Pray, Love.
As the author said (and I improvise as I don't have the book with me) "God doesn't want to hear my little prayer of selfish wants, God doesn't want me to ask for prayers for myself."

To which her friend replied...."oh yes He does!"

So, I ask for prayers as I start not sweating the small stuff.  I ask for prayers as I venture out on this search for faith in myself.  I certainly have faith in others, why can't I have faith in myself.
I started last night.   There was a small situation last night, that got me stressed, but I thought about faith and changed my thoughts around a bit.  Things still didn't turn out the way I wanted them to turn out, but that's okay.  It's trail and error.
Anyways, I ask for prayers (and my Husband and family know this)...
this is not going to be an easy task for me.

So there....  I put myself out there.

Happy Wednesday Y'all!


  1. Jen, you are in my prayers and I so understand how you are feeling. Anxiety is my demon that I battle daily. Once I became a mother, that anxiety became out of control, as I worried about everything. thank you for sharing this, I think a lot of women feel these feelings, but often we don't talk about them. I am going to reread this book, thanks girl!

  2. Praying for you!! I completely understand where you are coming from. Look to Him for guidance and strength and you can do anything.

  3. It takes a lot of guts to be out there...and to be open and honest- not so much with the anonymous readers, but with yourself! It is so hard to look in the mirror and say...quitchurbitchin!!!! (to quote my grandmother) Kudos to you for showing us the vulnerabilities that we ALLLLL have!!!!

  4. Jennifer, everyone, Christian or no, and particularly women I think, feels this way sometimes. The key piece is forgiveness. For Christians, perhaps that's God's forgiveness. I don't know. But even those of us who are not religious, we learn if we are lucky to forgive ourselves. This doesn't mean giving up trying to do better. It just means giving up yelling at ourselves inside. Good people have trouble. Forgiveness is good. Then just refocus on what you believe in.

    Just saying we are happy, and always looking on the positive side, doesn't usually work. Again, not to say you give up trying, just that you forgive yourself for failure.

  5. Ha! I lied. I logged into Blogger right after I tweeted you. ;)

    I see a lot of myself in what you wrote. A lot. I, too, am married to a Mr. Cool and I'm forever grateful for his level head & easy going attitude.

    You've always been there for me, so do not doubt for one second that I'm not here for you. I'm rooting for you!


  6. What a great post! I am a worrier too so it is also something I must work on!

  7. I've been working on this myself a lot lately. It helps for me to keep repeating when I get stressed out "act like a Christian". Sounds silly, but this especially helps me get through LA road rage! LOL.

  8. I think you may be surprised that the more people you meet in life are more like you than you thought. A friend wrote a post not that long ago and it was about "sweating the small things", sort of. I am a big time worrier, stress over the smallest most minute things. A little thing gone wrong could ruin my day and that is one of the things I can't stand about me. I have been struggling to "let go", my husband is the polar opposite, he sweats nothing and I guess there lies our balance. Thanks for being so open and sharing.

  9. i love that you put it all out there today ... brava! i enjoyed reading your thoughts and feelings and feel the same way alot i must say!

  10. Everything you have posted could have come out of my mouth, I seriously had tears welling up in my eyes as I read this. I am constantly stuggling with my overwhelming type-A personality, having the desier to put God first in my life and become a better Christian, but it is such a battle for me to actually live it out on a daily basis. Thank you so much for posting this, and helping me see that I am not the only one who struggles in these areas. You will be on my prayer list, sister!

  11. Wow, I feel like I've found a kindred spirit in you! I can totally relate to your situation, especially the bedtime struggles (ages 3 & 5) and the anxiety medication (hey, we all have our trials). The part about the special needs child made me tear up. There's a similar little girl in my daughter's preschool. I look at her with such fondness and then realize how precious life is and how strong her mother must be. Keep your chin up and keep praying. We'll all keep praying along side you. :)

  12. I will definitely keep you in my prayers! :)

  13. Great post. I laughed when I read you're on anti-anxiety meds because I am too, so I could totally relate. And, then I loved how you said God should be our anti-anxiety meds. I've never thought of it like that...

  14. Love this post!
    I am already sweating over everything now - wait until I become a mother!
    Maybe I am a hidden type A person living in a B's body...

  15. I love my big sister! You are ALWAYS in my thoughts and prayers. And just remember, I am just a phone call, text message, or facebook post away (never got into the twitter thing - sorry)!! Hugs and kisses to my best friend XOXOXO

    Rock on! GW

  16. Oh I must tell you..I never get on myself for not reading the bible bc God loves us no matter what and that does not prove out spirituality at all that we read the bible or not.

    Just this summer my hubby and i try to sit down at 730 am for just a few seconds before he leaves for work and we pick a few verses of a psalm or whatever and then we pray for our day. It has helped keep sanity in this busy summer. We do air conditioning our summer has been crazy busy...but thank God for work!
    Thanks for sharing! Jennifer aka Gigi

  17. Great post. I can relate to several things you've said. I'm starting to attend a Bible Study to improve my realationship with the Lord.

  18. My prayers are with you! I'm working on "not sweating the small stuff" too... easier said than done, but we will get there!

  19. I think you are awesome Jenn. It's hard to put yourself out there and you did it properly and eloquently.
    No one expects perfection out of you, not even God. I think he just expects us to do our best and you are trying.
    Kind of ironic...I started reading my scriptures this morning. I'm hoping to make it a daily routine. I woke up around 5:30 and read a couple of chapters and felt like if I just read a couple of chapters every day, that it was doable and I wouldn't bug out of it.
    Best wishes to you always.

  20. Right there with ya-isn't it strange how God helps us to just put everything into perspective? Keeping you in my prayers!

  21. I was on the verge of tears as I read your post, because I very much relate to everything you wrote. I also have been too busy lately and needed a reminder to read my Bible and pray every day. Thank you for that, and thank you for being so honest.

  22. I'm so glad you shared this! I'll definitely be praying for you, you'll be the one I pray for tonight, while saying my prayers. Good luck on your faith journey. You will be rewarded, trust me, well, and trust the Lord, too! :)

  23. I just love your post!!! And, I am right there with you. Worry is wasteful and useless ... but I worry ALL the time!!! Count in for praying for us both to stop sweating the small stuff. Cheers! Xoxo-BLC

  24. I have the photo of us in the car if you need evidence.... haha! You are a great Christian, Mom, wife, & friend--don't let yourself think otherwise!!!

  25. my favorite part about reading blogs is when people "come clean" and really tell about themselves. I sweat the small stuff too and it has been a daily struggle for me for as long as I can remember! Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!

  26. What a great post - I could have written it myself. I am praying for you.

  27. This is a really good post. You know you were meant to run into that mom and her daughter. It's just God's way of reminding us of all the good things we have and to not sweat the small stuff. We can get so caught up in our own perceived issues that we loose sight of the big picture.